Menstruation Isn’t Real.

A message to all mankind:

Hello. My name is Lauren. And there is something I have to tell you. Menstruation doesn’t exist.

First I will disclose that I am one hundred percent female. I have all the female parts and everything. I was born female, I grew female, and I identify as female.

And it is only I, Lauren, your little Internet friend, who will tell you the truth: Menstruation doesn’t exist.

Aunt Flo: hoax

Red Coats: hoax

Red Tide: hoax

Mother Nature: totally real. (Heidi Klum has been named the official Mother Nature due to her biomechanical form. Machinery is the future and Heidi will lead us with her laser eyes to lead the way.)

Time of the Month: hoax

Bloody Mary: hoax

Lady Troubles: hoax

 

It is literally something all of womankind made up in order to mess with men. From the age of twelve up through this moment, I too was a part of this deception that has spanned thousands of years.

It has been rumored that a woman’s period is a time at some point every month or has a timing which has something to do with the moon, and lasts between three and five days. This is mainly because we cannot get our facts straight. So instead, we women have men believing that every woman’s body is a little different, which is why our periods do not occur at a concrete time every month for the same number of days. This is also a hoax. Every female body is exactly the same in every possible way, physically and emotionally (This is why we all look the same, act the same, think the same, are the same height, weight, and color. This is also why we shame our own fellow woman for deviating her appearance from the acceptable norm). Therefore, if periods existed, then clearly they would occur at the same time every month, for the same amount of time, and women would be groaning from cramps in unison.

This is also why tampons, pads, diva cups etc, are taxed as a luxury in stores. The only women who purchase these items are doing so in order to keep up appearances of their alleged ‘period’ in front of male store clerks and the men they live with. We also keep these items in our purses because they don’t take up that much space. And really, in the midst of all the other useless crap we keep in our bags, what is one more thing?

As for the pad and tampon dispensing machines in the lady’s room, this is also part of the joke. These machines are often empty, broken, or both. Yet women don’t really seem to complain about them. Some would have you think that this is because women are socially trained to not whine about anything because they will be viewed as weak or negatively feminine. The truth is, we don’t care.

You may ask why half of the human population went to the trouble of making up the idea of menstruation and then continuing to lie for hundreds of generations. The truth is this: blatantly lying to men by giving them false information about a condition that doesn’t and has never existed is hilarious.

 

 

Heidi Klum is a Cyborg

Believe it or not, our beloved model and real estate agent, Heidi Klum revealed on Friday, January 27th, that she is a cyborg.  It began on her fourth birthday, January 27th, 1942 when her legs were cut off by Adolf Hitler because she got into art school and he did not.

“I’m not angry with him,” she told Pope Francis.  The loss of her legs via such a prominent figure got her into a high-end prosthetic program.  After receiving, and finally gaining the ability to walk with her new legs, she was hooked.  Hook-handed that is.  At the age of 15 in the year 1942, Heidi Klum, for the sheer joy of it, lopped off her her left hand and replaced it with a hook.  Klum loved not having her legs or left hand.  She never had to worry about rolling her ankle or spraining five of her fingers.  She was determined to become invincible.

After years of upgrades and hundreds of surgeries, today Klum’s body is at least 72% machine.  She assures the public that she loves her bio-mechanical form and plans to replace her corneas with lasers this fall in order to zap leaves off oak trees for her new fashion line titled Falling For Fall.